My wife is a crack head. She eats sunflower seeds by the bushel -- cracking, chewing, always cracking. I guess that means she eats like a bird.
It's not the seed she's after: It's the salt. My wife craves salt the way fire craves oxygen. Nutrition Facts say that her sunflower seeds contain eight grams of sodium per bag, enough to dry up Lake Casitas.
I've tried everything to stop her. I've hidden her stash, lectured her, downloaded pictures of withered arteries. I even made up a story about how the Morton Salt girl died of sodium overdose. Yet my wife keeps on cracking.
If you or someone you love is a crack head, please act now. Don't let it spiral out of control the way I have. The other day I found under the couch a bowl of gnawed-on sunflower shells. My wife denied it with the conviction of O.J.
"Those are definitely, one hundred percent, absolutely not my shells."
After much ado, I convinced my wife to wean herself from the habit. We are going to start slowly, with something that contains slightly less sodium. A salt lick, perhaps.