Have you heard of happy food? It's a pretty big deal to health nuts. Happy food is when we let our livestock roam the earth freely, taking in the sunshine, feeding on organic grass ... and THEN we cut their heads off.

I believe the slogan is, "It's okay to kill animals so long as you're nice about it."

I myself don't eat much meat. I'm more a hybrid vegetarian: I eat only animals that die of natural causes. Like suicide. I also eat chickens that grow out of the ground in freak acts of nature. But one thing I will not conscience is the slaughter of tofurkeys. That's just unreasonable.

Here you will find further nonsense.

P.S. If health food stores are for our health, what are the other food stores for?

At the risk of showing my wrinkles, why do kids wear their baseball caps sideways? Does the side of their head need protection from the sun? Are their heads not screwed on straight?

And the pants -- half on, half off. What does it mean? It must be important, because teenagers spend half the day returning their pants to an almost-on position. I can just see them in the fitting room trying on pants to make sure they don't fit.

What do teenagers do when they have to, say, run from a dog? I keep following them around hoping to find out. And when I do, you will be the first to see.

Once upon a time it was taboo to mention sex. Girls were not allowed to wear skirts above their knees, and boys went blind from masturbation.

How things change.

Recently I found a man who not only discusses sex out loud but makes his living at it: Condom Man. In addition to saving the world from overpriced contraceptives, Condom Man answers hard-biting questions such as:

I've heard that carrying a condom in a wallet can ruin it. Is there anything a condom can be safely carried in?

Condom Man:

"Carrying a condom in your wallet is not recommended because your body heat, over a long period, can weaken the latex. So while it is OK to carry a condom in your wallet, you should replace the condom frequently with a new one."

It's amazing how often Condom Man's answers involve buying more condoms.

One reader asked, Why are condoms so expensive? How I wanted to be Condom Man at that moment: "I too used to think condoms were expensive. Then I had children."

Condom Man: As far as you can get from book burnings and broad-rimmed glasses.

I ordered from Lamps Plus a replacement bulb for my lamp. And though it was a three-inch florescent, the bulb arrived in a box big enough for a human head. Specifically, the head of whoever at Lamps Plus is in charge of PACKAGING.

At the post office -- same visit -- I saw a poster from Ebay. It showed a jumbo carton and the following caption: "Because six pounds of packaging is our way of saying I love you."

Is it just me, or are we starting to celebrate our downward spiral toward doing without? I know kids who, despite the drawback of having no income, generate their own weight in trash every day.

I'm not asking that we surrender our most valued principals -- comfort and convenience; I'm just saying that if we continue to gobble up paradise, there’s a good chance that our grandchildren will hate us.

We survived the Ice Age and the Dark Age, but only time will tell what becomes of the GarbAge.

When I was a kid, we used to go on joy rides. Those days might be over.

What is it that construction people do at six a.m. that they can't accomplish at eight when EVERYONE'S AWAKE?

Each morning I wake to the sound of banging and sawing and ESL shouting. Don't get me wrong; I would shout too if I had to work at six a.m. It's just that there should be a law or something.

And when did all these trucks start beeping in reverse? Trucks have been backing up for years in total silence. Those were the days when you had to look where you were going and you never knew when a movie had been formatted to fit your screen.

So, yes, I write you with bags beneath my eyes on account of my new construction hours. I report at six a.m. to my computer, where I grumble and nag until the coffee kicks in and I go BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP...