I finally watched "Here and Now," the latest standup from Ellen Degeneres.

And as much as I deify Ellen, I didn't think she had in her another standup routine. Standup, after all, requires distilled brilliance, something you can't work into a full-time, red-carpet schedule. Martin Lawrence tried it, and that's Exhibit A.

I must take this moment to apologize for (a) underestimating Ellen and (b) mentioning her in the same breath as Martin Lawrence.

"Here and Now" is funny and fabulous and totally Zen. We asked Ellen for the world, and she gave us the universe. At one point I found myself snorting. I think it was when Ellen was explaining how she had bought Herbal Essence shampoo after seeing the woman orgasm on the commercial.

"It didn't have the same effect on me," she said. "After a while, I just had to fake it."

After the one-hour ab workout, I turned to my dearest Yahaira and shared the cold, hard reality: I am going to contact Ellen Degeneres, and, if she will have me, become a lesbian.

I watch the Friday Night Fights because it's the only thing in America that isn't padded, labeled, child-proofed, and made OSHA-compliant. Tonight they interviewed Joe Frazier, one of the toughest guys in the history of guys.

Joe is in his sixties now but doesn't look a day over 200. The reporter asked Joe to hit the heavy bag, just for show, and I have to tell you ... It was the saddest thing you ever saw.

Joe circled the bag as he did in his youth -- with a snarl and a swagger -- and proceeded to paw at the bag like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. Even his snorts were kind of pathetic, like he himself was being punched.

When Joe finished massaging the bag, he turned to the camera and winked because in his mind it's still 1974 and he's Smokin' Joe Frazier; and at that moment I became deeply grateful that all my parts work and that I don't have a real, live bobble-head.

Someday our bodies will degenerate until we too hold up traffic on the 101. No matter how big and bad we are today, we all end up like Joe. I just hope to realize it when it happens.