Is it just me, or do "special occasions" happen every week? Parent's, Valentine's Day, National Pet Week. Here's one: Boss's Day Isn't that Monday through Friday?
And the birthdays just keep comin'. My nephew starts the countdown two months in advance: "Fifty-four days till my birthday. Have you started savin' up?"
And his mother -- my sister -- just giggles. So I do save up. I save up and buy drum sets, police sirens, sonic-boom zappers. As a courtesy, I include batteries that keep going and going and going.
I even carry presents in my car just in case. Maybe that's how Santa got started, toting gifts around until he finally said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There will be one day a year when everybody gets one present ... if they're good."
In my trunk you'll find Barbie Dolls, G.I. Joes, and other role models to show our children what's important. Couples get his-and-her presents, which of course are always for her. His-and-her toiletries ... that's like a his-and-her wrench set.
Oompa loompa doompadee doo. I've got another puzzle for you.
How many times does a child graduate? I miss work every other Wednesday to fling high school caps, Girl Scout berets, orthodontic head gear. There's pageantry for everything.
I even attended the birthday of a one-year-old. A one-year-old! It was a surprise party, because when you're one year old...
What do you get for a baby anyway? A little fake finger to chew on? A set of car keys? Ding-aling-aling-aling. I love kids, but I'm not real big on babies. I don't even like the smell of clean diapers. So it goes.
During the holidays, we get time off from work, but we have to spend it with relatives, so it's kind of a wash. Billy Graham said that heaven is a never-ending family reunion, which is funny because I describe hell the exact same way.
On Valentine's Day, Lexus suggested that a man buy for his wife a luxury automobile. That's setting the bar a little high, isn't it? Guys, it's a dark day when your wife walks outside and sees the bow on her neighbor's Valentine Car.
"Oh ... well. It's not quite my edible panties, but -- "
Men, we oughta march on Lexus with flaming maces. "Remember the alimony!"
At Ralphs I saw a greeting card for Belated Valentines. Guys, if you miss Valentine's Day, that card has pretty much got to say one thing: "Visa." And how come there's a section of cards for New Babies? Do they come some other way?
Hallmark loves to play the guilt card. Listen to this radio ad:
"Remember the day you were born?" Insert beating heart. "Of course you don't." Woman writhing in pain. "But I'll bet your mother does." Baby crying. "Hallmark: Because your mom deserves the very best."
I can't take it! Here's my car. Ding-aling-aling-aling.
It's the birthdays that do you in, though, every year observing the achievement of not dying. Maybe that was a big deal in the Dark Ages, but these days smokers see 90.
"Hey, it's Mr. Carter's birthday again. What is he, 100? 200? Last year I bought him a plant. He still argues with it."
Oompa loompa doompadoo dee. If you are wise you'll listen to me.
When I overthrow the government -- and it won't be long; watch the news -- I will enact the following changes:
* All December birthdays will be transferred to August, a hot, humorless month with no holidays. December weddings will be a felony.
* Families will be limited to three birthday parties a year. Parents with copious children can use a demerit system to choose the "winners."
* Hallmark will be rivaled by "Jack's Cards: When you only care enough to make a gesture."
* If couples divorce, there will be a recall of all wedding presents, every last napkin ring and candle snuffer. A reverse registry will be provided.
We'll have to stop there because I'm running out the door to my nephew's birthday. He's getting the Busy Town Everything Flashes and Beeps Total Chaos Play Set.
Like the Oompa doompa doompadee dooooooo.