* Live each day like it's your second to last. That way you can fall asleep at night.
* Behind every great musician was a neighbor going, "Man, I wish that guy would shut up."
* It's good to be spontaneous if you can work it into your schedule.
* The average American attention span is ...

* Why do we call 'em coasters when they don't go anywhere?
* When a synchronized swimmer drowns, do the others drown too?
* Quaker Oatmeal says, "May reduce the risk of cancer." Why don't you get back to us when you're sure?
* Does the remote control go inside the dinner knife or outside the soup spoon?

My folks had me the old-fashioned way: on accident. It didn't come as a total surprise because they were both taking a fertility drug called Budweiser.

"Warning: Consumption of alcohol may cause and subsequently complicate pregnancy."

Mom strollered me around as one might the Stanley Cup, announcing my age to strangers: "He's 52 months, 3 days, 42 minutes, and 12 seconds ... 13 ... 14 ..."

You can imagine my separation issues down the line. We lost our fourth and final babysitter when I threatened to stab her with a fork. Plastic. Mickey Mouse.

That same night my sister, also in protest, held her breath until she fainted. So it goes.

I found myself defending Mom's honor in the sandbox: "You take that back! My mom is so a virgin!"

I loved Dad, too, if only for lines like these:

"Yes, son, you can mow the lawn tomorrow, but then you will have finished it yesterday."

And later: "No, I distinctly said that if you mow the lawn, you can halve your allowance. That's why we ask for things in writing."

One day Mom asked me to grate the cheese and I, fresh from smart-ass camp, gave it a C+. "It tastes all right but smells like Aunt Sandy's breath."

The truth is that I barely qualified for the long bus. One morning, I refused to get on the bus at all because I didn't recognize the driver. He finally chugged away while I shouted for the others to save themselves.

As a skinny dude, I met all the bullies. To this day I can, from a mile off, hear someone coughing up a loogie. One day Jimmy Bitzer offered a knuckle sandwich in exchange for my Twinkie, so I had to take up arms. And teeth.

Principal Burger -- "Cheeboiga-Cheeboiga" -- was not sympathetic...

"Jason, I am not going to argue the semantics of biting. Whether or not you penetrated skin, I'm calling your parents."

Burger was still sore from my letter-writing campaign a season earlier. Would you believe that at Wildwood Elementary it was okay for girls to wear skirts but not for boys to wear shorts? In a Jerry McGwire moment, I stayed up all night -- ten o' clock -- challenging the leaders to "review their ridiculous policies."

The tyranny ended two years later, which inspired me to question other persecution...

"Why do we have to make our beds when we just sleep in them again later?" To underscore my point, I slept for a week on the wooden floor wearing only my shorts.

My parents granted me the freedom to be whatever I wanted in life, but they were hoping I might be a lawyer. As it turned out, I had trouble passing the bar. Especially during happy hour. HEY-oh.

Looking back, my folks deserve a medal for not killing me. Jason was a nice place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there. Even when my parents put me to bed, I'd boomerang back an hour later: "That part of me that likes ice cream won't fall asleep."

But for all of the hoo-hah, I've grown up to be a reasonably intelligent man who can step onto any bus without even meeting the driver. For this, I am grateful to my dear parents. And to Budweiser.

Coors Light bills itself as the "coldest tasting beer in the world."

Is that the best they could do? An executive stood up and said, "We're not the lightest beer, and we're certainly not the best-tasting ... To hell with it; we'll be the coldest! Turn those fridges down, and I mean way down."

It all started when M&M's went with, "Melts in your mouth, not in your hands."

Has anyone ever had a problem with chocolate melting in their hands? I can't remember chocolate staying in my hands long enough to melt.

But everyone has to stick out:

Dan's Paper Clips -- titanium reinforced for your toughest clipping needs. Acme Glass -- transparency you can depend on. Jason Love's Blog -- you would have to eat ten bowls of bran cereal to match this kind of fertilizer.

Is it just me, or do "special occasions" happen every week? Parent's, Valentine's Day, National Pet Week. Here's one: Boss's Day Isn't that Monday through Friday?

And the birthdays just keep comin'. My nephew starts the countdown two months in advance: "Fifty-four days till my birthday. Have you started savin' up?"

And his mother -- my sister -- just giggles. So I do save up. I save up and buy drum sets, police sirens, sonic-boom zappers. As a courtesy, I include batteries that keep going and going and going.

I even carry presents in my car just in case. Maybe that's how Santa got started, toting gifts around until he finally said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There will be one day a year when everybody gets one present ... if they're good."

In my trunk you'll find Barbie Dolls, G.I. Joes, and other role models to show our children what's important. Couples get his-and-her presents, which of course are always for her. His-and-her toiletries ... that's like a his-and-her wrench set.

Oompa loompa doompadee doo. I've got another puzzle for you.

How many times does a child graduate? I miss work every other Wednesday to fling high school caps, Girl Scout berets, orthodontic head gear. There's pageantry for everything.

I even attended the birthday of a one-year-old. A one-year-old! It was a surprise party, because when you're one year old...

What do you get for a baby anyway? A little fake finger to chew on? A set of car keys? Ding-aling-aling-aling. I love kids, but I'm not real big on babies. I don't even like the smell of clean diapers. So it goes.

During the holidays, we get time off from work, but we have to spend it with relatives, so it's kind of a wash. Billy Graham said that heaven is a never-ending family reunion, which is funny because I describe hell the exact same way.

On Valentine's Day, Lexus suggested that a man buy for his wife a luxury automobile. That's setting the bar a little high, isn't it? Guys, it's a dark day when your wife walks outside and sees the bow on her neighbor's Valentine Car.

"Oh ... well. It's not quite my edible panties, but -- "

Men, we oughta march on Lexus with flaming maces. "Remember the alimony!"

At Ralphs I saw a greeting card for Belated Valentines. Guys, if you miss Valentine's Day, that card has pretty much got to say one thing: "Visa." And how come there's a section of cards for New Babies? Do they come some other way?

Hallmark loves to play the guilt card. Listen to this radio ad:

"Remember the day you were born?" Insert beating heart. "Of course you don't." Woman writhing in pain. "But I'll bet your mother does." Baby crying. "Hallmark: Because your mom deserves the very best."

I can't take it! Here's my car. Ding-aling-aling-aling.

It's the birthdays that do you in, though, every year observing the achievement of not dying. Maybe that was a big deal in the Dark Ages, but these days smokers see 90.

"Hey, it's Mr. Carter's birthday again. What is he, 100? 200? Last year I bought him a plant. He still argues with it."

Oompa loompa doompadoo dee. If you are wise you'll listen to me.

When I overthrow the government -- and it won't be long; watch the news -- I will enact the following changes:

* All December birthdays will be transferred to August, a hot, humorless month with no holidays. December weddings will be a felony.

* Families will be limited to three birthday parties a year. Parents with copious children can use a demerit system to choose the "winners."

* Hallmark will be rivaled by "Jack's Cards: When you only care enough to make a gesture."

* If couples divorce, there will be a recall of all wedding presents, every last napkin ring and candle snuffer. A reverse registry will be provided.

We'll have to stop there because I'm running out the door to my nephew's birthday. He's getting the Busy Town Everything Flashes and Beeps Total Chaos Play Set.

Like the Oompa doompa doompadee dooooooo.