Gary Larson did a cartoon where an orchestra's cymbal guy -- whose only job is to bang the cymbals at the right moment -- is thinking, "I won't screw up, I won't screw up, I won't screw up..."

Caption: Carl screws up.

My wife and I recently had our bathroom counters refinished. I argued that finishing is something you should do only once. Otherwise, they oughta call it pausing or resting. My wife offered me a knuckle sandwich.

The guy from Classic Counter finished up -- again -- and warned me, as you might a small child, "Do NOT touch this counter for 24 hours."

He snapped his fingers and said, "24 hours."

Later that afternoon, I was running around on my way to the gym. I remembered the counter guy's face and said out loud, "Jason, do not set your gym bag in the bathroom."

The phone rang, a telemarketer. I cursed the recorded voice and then the 21st century. My wife gave me a hug, which squeezed my bladder, which sent me to pee real quick before I left ... and where do you suppose I set my gym bag?

ON THE BLOODY COUNTER!

The bag peeled away slowly with a juicy, sucking sound. Somewhere in the distance a cymbal crashed.