My mom spent $800 to clean a Rolex watch.

Give that a minute to set.

Eight one-hundred dollar bills ... to clean a watch.

When Mom shared this news, I had to lie down. It wasn't just the mishandling of funds that could have easily been spent on my birthday present, but the life-jarring realization that I have inherited genes from a lunatic. No matter how rich you are, $800 is a Bizarro amount to spend on wristwear maintenance.

I met a guy who paid $16,000 for a gold Rolex Submariner watch. When he showed it off, I expected it to give me a massage or lead me into another dimension. You know what it did? It told the time. That's it.

There are people who will, for $16,000, follow you around and report the time with a great big smile any time you ask. And it would cost considerably less money to clean them!

I don't know. It may be some time before I can again look my mom in the eye. My birthday perhaps.