To drown out the neighbor's stereo, which goes to eleven, I ordered earmuffs. Industrial-strength suckers that block out, like, murder. I use them even when it's quiet and I'm alone. Eventually someone will have to come after me with a rope.

When I say they block out murder, I mean that literally. I bought them from Midsouth Shooter Supply and am now irrevocably trapped on their mailing list. Every month I receive literature about our booming firearms industry (keyword: booming).

Try the new MTM Rifle Rest, which steadies your arm against those irritating Budweiser shakes.

The Beacon Strobe Locator marks fallen game so that you can go on killing well beyond nightfall.

Through Midsouth Shooter you can even buy semiautomatic weapons, which are important in our war against the conniving and treacherous fallow deer.

But Midsouth Shooter is here to help, offering silencers, gun racks, camouflage, night vision, artificial pheromones, Conferate flags -- everything you need to track and slay sentient creatures. (For you hunters out there, "sentient" means conscious.)

It's us against them, dammit, and though animals may have a superior sense of smell, we have science.

So come on down now to the The Southwest Shooter Supply. And when you run out of fallow dear, maybe you can turn to my neighbor.