Is anyone else getting these beatnik poetry spams that go on and on without a point? It's like a thesaurus threw up in my inbox...

herbal blockbuster element winner in legible populace meteorologists with personality balance.

And I, Johnny Doofus, read to the end, hoping against hope that some brilliant sentence will tie it all together.

What do these people want from us? Are we being reprogrammed by the government?

As much as I detest spam, there is one thing I have always been able to count on: Somebody is trying to sell us something. I’m familiar with that. It's strangely comforting.

But now we're being hounded by people who just want to spew words all over us. Maybe those homeless guys who wander the streets arguing with themselves have finally found their way into internet cafes.

My own spam filter, which lets in 72 PayPal crises per day, trashes emails from my mom, so I have to skim through the spam box like a scatologist. And there I find all sorts of headers that I, Johnny Doofus, just can't resist...

"Help for Christian Debt." Christian debt? Is that forgivable debt, and if so can my debt be converted? (Ha!)

"Permanently Delete Files from Websites You Visit!" This is in case you're tired of spray-painting walls and ordering pizzas to other people's houses.

"Your Check Is Still Waiting." My check has been waiting -- urgently -- since 2002, but they're not giving up. I must have done something right in a past life, because people are always trying to track me down and give me money.

"Free Information." This one was especially fortunate because I was looking for information. Not specific information, just something random for the back of my head.

I would like propose, as punishment for spam email, death by canning (the same kind of cans used by Spam). If you feel that this punishment is cruel and unusual, well then slaying perpetual dogged man likely fortitude passed indentured prop study!